June 17,2010 Being a caregiver and learning about me

"When someone points out a shortcoming, our first reaction may be defensive. There will always be room for growth."

  

There is alot of things to do with having a healthy life .  Some is mentally, some is fitness and health and eating write some is taking a look at yourself and finding the inner peace, or correcting your character defects and learning to break the old patterns of behavior you once had .   

So today is about me and correct a behavior that was pointed out to me .  I actually took it very well. My father in law is in the hospital well dad has been picking in my alot lately and getting on my kids also. I am not saying I have perfect kids and I am not perfect either. Its never really my husband.   I do not know why if it is something I do not do not do.  But I spoke my mind tonight and hand spoke his words.  So I had to get one last zinger in before I walked out in tears in the hospital .

   We came back and had dinner and my husband and I were talking.  He said you know you always have to have the last word with dad.  I said I had to make my last point.   I was drying a pot and I said do  I do this with you . He said yes you do at times.  I had to soak this in .  Then mom called and I said we were talking and not fighting and my husband said I had to have the last word.  My mom said yes you do .  I am like mom I do that to you also . She said yes.  Of course you know my husband was smiling in said.  (I know I would be also ).  I really had to let this sink in deeper as I was drying dishes. I really did not know I did this . 

I have been thinking about this since we did the dishes and I had to think back and arguments I have had with my spouse, my mom, father inlaw and so on.   I do this I really do.   I think I may know why . Because I have to hurt them because of how much they hurt me.   This comes way back from my using days and learning and growing from my past.   So I am trying to stop myself from doing this and find another way to deal with it. 

Just for Today: I will greet each opportunity for growth with an open mind.

I have been  caring for my father in law for 3 months.  I did not think it would be easy but I thought there was time before it really hard.   Blending 2 households is not easy especially since dad has been living by himself for 4 years.  I also have 2 kids and my hubby and my puppy Zoey. We live with him when we first got married and had our son but it is different this time.    It takes alot of patience , loving care,tolerance.  Well lately have been lacking in the tolerance area .   I take him to all his doctors appts,  switch doctors to better ones because of problems we had with his old Chemo doctors.  Do the cooking, cleaning, taking care of him and make sure he takes is medicine and drinks all his water .  Help with finances, etc.   Plus raise my own family.  I do not mean my husband does not help.  He does when he is not working .  He helps with the kids alot  which is a great blessing.   But I thought when we moved out here that we would be able to have some good memories with each other and the kids enjoy their grandfather also.  But it has not been that way .  I guess it wont be that way because that is how he wants it.   So I will  work on tolerance and pray alot and read my bible and turn to people I can .   I will do everything I can to make this time the best for him and take care of him the best I can.   It has been hard these last couple of days.